Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear Sanna - so. tired.

I just got home from my 4th consecutive day of double shows and 9th day in a row of work without rest! It feels like a huge rest to only have one show tomorrow! The following day there are two more shows, one the day after, one the day after, and one the day after that until FINALLY we have a day off. Before continuing with 4 more shows of 3 different programs. It is crazy!

On top of all that, I am really getting anxious about my future. The other night I woke up at 4 am and suddenly thought about Serenade, probably my favorite ballet ever. And then I realized, if I stay with this company for the rest of my career, I will probably never dance Serenade again. Which made me really sad. I know I should get out of here sometime in the near future, but I will be sad to go and (the bigger issue) I have no idea how I am going to get a job somewhere else. The schedule here makes auditioning very difficult if not impossible, even if I am somehow good enough to get a job in a company in the states. I spent the rest of that sleepless night going through Serenade in my head and cleaning my variations so they will be audition-worthy.

The next day I recorded rehearsal, hoping for some possible audition footage, but I tried sending videos last year and companies were not that interested. Maybe the videos just weren't good enough? Or maybe videos just aren't enough. Either way, the companies I asked for company class auditions all refused. How can I ever get a job if nobody will even give me a chance?

I also find it so difficult because it is really hard to travel long distances and immediately take class in a strange studio, with a teacher I am not used to, not to mention the knots in my stomach, and convince the people watching to give me a job! As more companies release audition dates and information, I will have to try to work out a strategy... and then get used to the idea of maybe leaving here next year.