Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dear Sanna - :(

This is the worst I think I have ever felt after a performance. After waiting around for too long, the first piece was a wishy-washy ballet we've done a lot of times by now. I am in a few parts, nothing special really, and it's usually the easiest part of triple bill for me - the break. It was fine, not great, not bad.

Then came a modern pas de deux with Tina, which I watched from the audience, and then the premier of the contemporary piece. I didn't really think about how it would be to watch it before. It was hard. It's hard enough to watch ballet without being involved, but given the circumstances it was downright painful. It's like watching a company you want to dance for but didn't get accepted to, or a piece you understudied but didn't get to do, or perhaps got injured and couldn't perform, but worse. Because I was cast, and I rehearsed and had all intentions of performing. And then I was suddenly taken out without a real explanation. Each time somebody came doing a part I once did, I just wanted to cry.

I am trying to let go, and I know this is a hard career and these things happen, but I can't help it. It's not fair and I don't understand. It's worse than not being chosen at all, to have it waved in front of me, to put in all that time and effort and pain and suffering and only THEN not do it. The piece was great. The lighting, the costumes, the choreography; and the dancers did a great job, considering this is usually done by much stronger companies. I felt so jealous of every person on that stage.

The first time we do a piece where casting is done by important members of the dance world, not ruled our insane director, I am not chosen. What does this tell me? I already have a confidence issue, and this just makes me feel like garbage. How can I grow with this kind of negativity?

After the show was even worse - everybody raving about how great it was, the dancers excitedly critiquing their own performances, celebrating on the bus. I just tried to keep in the tears.

I guess I should try some EFT and really let this go once and for all. At least it is over now, but I don't feel the relief I expected just yet. Right now I just feel sad.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Dear Sanna - Still Confused...

Being taken out of this piece was driving me nuts! I thought about it all the time, couldn't sleep, couldn't smile. So I finally got up the courage and asked Tina once and for all. I asked if she decided not to keep switching between me and the other girl, and get this: she said no, we were going to switch off. So, does that mean I might do the show next week? No no, the other girl will do THIS performance. I see you have a weak back and this kind of movement is hard for you and I just think she should do it, but you are second cast.

As far as anybody knows, this is the ONLY performance! WTF Tina? I didn't even know what to say, so I said okay and went to sit down and watch tech rehearsal. Without mirrors or really space on the sides, I couldn't even mark anymore and I felt like I was wasting my time in that rehearsal. The next day was supposed to go until 8:00 P.M. No thank you. So I asked the most trustworthy of the teachers if I really needed to stay all those hours, and (THANK GOODNESS!) she said no.

I really didn't think leaving would make me feel better, because I hate that feeling that I am missing out on something, but the second I left I felt so relieved. It is still very strange to go home early and not be a part of something I really felt I deserved to do, but each day I am letting go a little bit more. The story is still fishy to me, and I don't really believe I was taken out because of my weak back. If so, why was I cast in the first place and taken out so quickly? I think this was a personal issue. The choreographer did not make any comments, although there have apparently been issues with the girl doing my spot, having the same problems with those partners.

On a brighter note, I realized today that the pain in my ribs is completely gone! Yay! It's amazing how injuries can feel as if they will never ever get better, and then one day the pain is just gone!


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Moving on Emotionally

There is a wonderful maturity in what I read in between the lines of your post. The conversation you are having with yourself is positive and inspiring. Do you notice that?

Your search for a new company can be guided by your new found decisions and attitudes. That can make a difference for you. Remember that YOU are also looking for a company whereby you can develop and grow. You are interviewing them just as you are being interviewed. You have earned this right to be more selective rather than desperate. I understand that ballet appointments are not as plenty as say, a sales clerk. However, with this maturity and professionalism you can find the right company for you..

Begin to see yourself in a core of a company that is progressive and supportive. Set your sights on an area of the country. You may not see the name of the studio or have clarity with facial descriptions, however, you might.

A few years ago, I decided I wanted to work with a physician. Now I do. I 'fueled' my desires with mind power. Yes, I attracted it. I read from the masters that the brain begins a magnetic search as soon as your set the inner experience in motion.

This goes for much of life. Does it happen neatly? No, not always. The bumps in the road are a part of the process. Open to the entirety of the experience.

About the piece, some choreography is just awkward and uncomfortable. Do the best you can. Your body is trained to move quite creatively and powerfully. Again you know how to visualize for a stronger rehearsal. The more you free yourself of your attitude which limit your flexibility and extension (Stress does that in the body), the more difficult it becomes.

TRY THIS: You remember EFT (the Tapping right?) Tap the negativity away BEFORE YOU rehearse and see what happens! I would like to know -

Sanna Carapellotti, MS CHt

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Dear Sanna - Building Character?

So the rehearsals for the contemporary piece have been somewhat interrupted. We have them sporadically instead of every day, which is very nice for me, since I no longer have the anxiety that my partners will forget even more during the gaps - not my problem anymore I guess. We are instead focusing on the ballets immediately following the contemporary piece, since there will be about a week of tech rehearsal where those other ballets will be neglected. This reminds me how much I enjoy dancing! In the largest production we are rehearsing, I have a nice part, but nothing huge. I guess it is a part for soloists in a big company. I also do the corps, and I really like it. It's nice to work together sometimes. which makes me think that I would be really happy as a small fish in a big pond. I love the opportunities I've gotten here doing leading roles, but I think the quality of the company is more important to me at this stage in my life. Of course I want to dance, but I don't need to be the lead to be happy. Hopefully I can work my way up, but at this point I am not going to settle in my search for my next company.

We also dug up a ballet we haven't done in about a year the other day to bring on tour with the new choreography. It was surprisingly refreshing to revisit it, and it was so comfortable! I really had fun and could see a huge difference in my partners - they really improved, even without rehearsing!

When we do rehearse the contemporary piece, I am still very frustrated. It is so hard for me to not care. I can't stop analyzing what I could've done wrong, but it's pretty clear I won't be dancing in the show next week. And I see the girl who is doing my part having the same exact problems I had! Because it is not our faults, it is those cavemen that can't remember the corrections! But Tina doesn't seem to notice. She just says good job, or tries to help work out the kinks. I don't get it. But it is somewhat of a relief to not have to deal with them anymore and to see it wasn't just me. It is difficult, however, to stand in the back of the rehearsals and mark or do what I can. I feel pathetic and stupid, but Tina never officially told me I wasn't doing it or that I could leave, so I feel it is the professional thing to do to stay. The choreographer comes tomorrow, so we will see if he even notices or has anything to say about the situation...


Monday, May 2, 2011

Dear Sanna - Quit Playing Games With My Heart

I continued doing my place in the contemporary piece, and although it improved a little, the same problems continued. I tried to work with my cavemen partners separately, even having somebody translate for us on days we didn't have rehearsal for the piece so that they wouldn't forget, but it's like they have their memories erased every night! I have never danced with them with everything going well the first time. Even if I try to remind them about the corrections before-hand. They just do it the same old way, and I have to explain over and over again in detail what they are doing wrong and what they have to do. It is so frustrating! And of course I am always to blame.

Yesterday before Tina started rehearsing the first section I do, she told me the understudy would dance that day. No other explanation given. Does the switching each day thing still apply? Is this a permanent change? Is it just for today? We are all in the dark, except for Tina. And everybody is asking what happened, why am I not dancing. It just seems to be completely out of the blue. Of course I am upset. It hurts to have something like this happen, especially after weeks and weeks of hard work, suffering, and even injuries from this choreography! Right before the show, too! Tech rehearsals are next week, and today the understudy stayed in. I don't want to ask, because I have the feeling when Tina looks at me that she wants to punch me in the face. I don't want to be the one to have to approach her. I hate this.

Then again, the piece was not getting better, and I don't trust my partners. I am also uneasy about going on stage with something I don't think is good. I am completely stuck. A very wise dancer in the company asked me about it this morning. I told her what I wrote here now, and she sympathized, but reminded me that this is the career. It is our job to dance what we are told (or not dance in this case) and sometimes it sucks. Some people don't want to do this, but they have to. Others want but were not chosen. For whatever reason I was chosen in the first place and taken out now, all I can do is my job and continue to work. There is also a lot of speculation that when the director sees the understudy in costume, she will immediately be kicked out (the costume is a simple leotard, no tights, and the understudy is a big girl). Who knows what will happen, but it is not my call.