Saturday, July 30, 2011

Dear Sanna - Home Sweet Home

So bags and bags and boxes and suitcases and more boxes and trash bags later, I managed to somehow get all my stuff out of my apartment. I met my friends one last time at the coffee place under my apartment, gave away the last of my stuff, and caught a cab to the airport. I am so fortunate to have such great friends - one in particular stayed with me the entire time, helping me pack, or just keeping me company. As I've said, as much as it was my decision to leave, it was still very difficult for me. I spent several sleepless nights before I left fighting back (or letting out) tears.

But I made it! I arrived in my brother's city, spent an amazing few days there, and now I am home. It was encouraging to take some open classes and hear good feedback, being asked where I was from, etc. An amazing teacher even offered to help me if she can with finding work, giving me tips for my video, taking my phone number in case she hears of a job opening.

Since my mother asks everyone she knows if they have any connection to the ballet world, it finally paid off and a friend managed to get me an audition with the elusive company in my home town. These people make it impossible to audition for a decent, but surely not THAT amazing company. Even with the help, the best I got was an audition for a position just below company. Not only unpaid, but with tuition! Not exactly what I was going for, but I auditioned and was accepted, so at least I have a back-up. Gotta love networking!

Furthermore, it was quite terrifying having not even one single audition scheduled before I left. But I knew it was difficult to really plan and that the ball would start rolling soon after I got back. Well luckily, I was right, and just a few emails and phone calls since I've been back have gotten me 3 auditions in some great companies. They did all assure me that there are no available contracts at this time, but everyone I talk to agrees that it is still good to go now. I am taking company class for a few days at 2 of the places, and this way they can get a good look at me, and hopefully if they really like me they can find something for me to do, or at the very least remember me when audition season rolls around. Couldn't hurt!


Saturday, July 16, 2011

You have been always free to dance for the love of it


As I am writing this you are most likely warming up, taking class for tonight. Connecting with this love frees you, your mind and body for your own standing ovation.

What if every performance was infused with this love?

Would you improve?

Could you have more fun? Learn faster?

You might experience that tonight.

If you set this internal state in dance mode, the anger of the director (which you cannot control) is minimized.

Have you ever noticed when someone around you is upset and you feel earthly happy, how you are less effected? We are all connected in humanity, yet you too have an influencing effect.

Get to know this love in a new way tonight. I know you have felt this before. Stand tall on the stage, internalize the applause and as you step away you carry with you the experience of these three years. It is cellular, of you forever.

And you have left a part of you all over the Country you have called home.

When is your departure date?

So proud of you, Janie. Love you lots!

Pittsburgh Medical Hypnosis

Dear Sanna - The End

Don't worry the beginning comes soon! Sorry I haven't posted for a while - I am running around like a madwoman trying to get in my last... well everything before I leave this place! After almost three years I've gotten pretty attached, even if it was my choice to leave. I am going to miss this place. I just wrote a note to the director thanking her for everything. She has been pretty hostile towards me these past few weeks - that is totally normal and expected for her. She yelled at me in rehearsal the other day after a rampage, turning to me and saying "and it's not funny, Jane!" (she always gets my name a little wrong). Anyway I'm used to this kind of behavior, and I am taking the high road and hopefully leaving the door open in case I ever decide to come back.

Tonight is my final performance with the company. It's really sad for me, but I know I'm making the right decision. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, right? So that's it, wish me fun - it's not luck I need right now. I just want to enjoy my last show! It's fun to dance for the love of it, not for fear of what the director will say afterwards.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Dear Sanna - The Clock is Ticking!

I waited and waited to get the director somewhat alone. I had a break and she was in the studio talking to one of of our teachers, so when she got up with her purse, I jumped up and waited by the door. Then she started talking to one of the principle dancers - the same one she was speaking with before the weekend when I tried to tell her I was leaving the first time! But it was just about 5 minutes or so before she made her way to the door and I asked if we could talk. We walked upstairs to a private room and my legs were shaking.

I told her this was really hard, but... "you want to leave," she finished my sentence. I guess after that introduction it wasn't hard to figure out. First she got a little upset and went off on a rant about how she told me to go sit at the university to meet a nice boy and if I had listened to her I wouldn't want to leave now (I wish that was a joke, but it's not). Then she told me to stay until after the big tour in November. I hadn't really thought of this as an option, since the season and contract officially end in a few weeks. I didn't know I could stay for an extra month or two at the beginning of next year. She was convinced I would just stay, even when I said I didn't know and had to think about it and let her know.

So a few minutes after I walked away from the talk, I realized I was right where I started. I had warned her, yes, but she still didn't know I was leaving in a few weeks. It was nice to hear that she wanted me to stay. She said nice things to me, that I improved a lot and that if I stayed here I would be dancing more and more. But as tempting as all of that is and the big tour, it confirmed that I need to try and see if I can get a job in the states. And the vacation before next season is not enough time for a real try, so I can't come back for the tour. I made my decision and that's what I'm going to do.

So at the end of rehearsal I went and told her that as much as I appreciate everything, I just can't stay for the tour. After that it was harder. She was angry I didn't tell her earlier and said I should "leave nicely and finish out my obligations." But I told her with more that enough time according to the contract, and my obligations are to finish out the season. I told her my feelings and that I thought this was the way to leave nicely. I didn't sneak around doing auditions during the season. I never missed a day of work. This is not the time for me to second-guess myself! It's hard enough.

Now the season is winding down. A few friends who are also leaving the company decided to do a going away party, so we are organizing that. My room is getting boxed up. Sometimes I want to cry. I really will miss it, but I'm so excited for the future! Happy 4th everyone! I guess this will be my last one abroad for a while :)