Monday, November 10, 2008

Dear Sanna - mistakes

As far as my conscious actions regarding the show and the music mishap, I must say I was pleased with how I handled it, as a result of doing exactly what you said. After past experiences with reacting to things on stage, I realized that in this sort of situation the best thing to do is ignore it, or pretend nothing is wrong on stage. However, I wish I had not gotten so worked up about the whole thing. I could feel my muscles tensing as I struggled to hold the position. Although it is not a comfortable position at any time, it was somehow harder in this situation and my mind was racing about the possibilities of what could happen. In a way, I did psych myself out a little, because when we finally did perform the piece, I was very shaking and scared and my mind was still buzzing a little with negative thoughts or fears about messing up. I think this always tends to happen during shows, but I wish I could avoid these thoughts, because usually the only time the fears actually come true is when I am thinking about them.

On a different note, we have a guest choreographer here setting a new piece. The choreographer watched a few classes and one of the shows, and then worked with us all after class one day to choose people for the piece. I was not expecting at all to be picked, because we knew only a small number of girls and boys would be in it, and there are more than that number of girls that would be the obvious choice over me. I thought this was a good thing, because I wasn't too too worked up during the "audition" and classes, although I can never be completely normal in such a situation. Anyway I thought I did okay, for me. Then casting went up, and the assumed girls were chosen, but a second cast was also there. I hadn't considered this possibility, and when my name was not on the second cast list, either, I must say I was very disappointed. No I did not consider myself among the top third of the girls in the company, but I had hoped I was at least in the top 60 percent.

Anyway I debated with myself about staying anyway for a chance to see and try some different choreography, etc, but decided it was weird for me to just stay for a guest choreographer's rehearsal for which I was not chosen. But on my way out, the artistic director stopped me and gave me some corrections. The director was apparently surprised I was not chosen and thought I danced beautifully and I look like a dancer (something I had not really heard before). The director did say that I really need to work on using my head and upper body more, and that audience members noticed, too, so perhaps that may explain why I wasn't chosen for the choreography piece. Anyway there was also some hinting that it was a shame I was not working with the guest, so I asked if it would be disrespectful to go late to the rehearsal that was going on at the time and learn the choreography. The director encouraged it and I am happy I went. Even though I felt silly and had to endure the thoughts I imagined going through the heads of the other dancers, I felt good knowing I was working on my weaknesses. Feeling sorry for myself doesn't help anyone. And I think the conversation with the artistic director was encouraging, as well.


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