Dear Sanna - so.much.anger.

I was actually having an almost boring week, as far as ballet goes, to the extent that I couldn't even really choose anything to write about. It was almost too good to be true, so I wasn't really surprised when it was ruined by my stupid, mean, nagging, b*tch of an artistic director! (Sorry, but this is really my only chance to let it all out)

First of all, it was the first time rehearsing a ballet since a terrible partial performance a few weeks earlier. We hadn't even rehearsed enough to perform the cut version of this ballet, and it was pretty much a disaster. Like most things here, I considered it a good experience, trying to figure out what I was doing in a stressful situation for which I was not prepared, but that's really not the point of this story...

So we were rehearsing an especially sticky part that never really worked quite right, and although I know it's not nice to point fingers, my partner wasn't exactly helping matters. We had already had several private rehearsals with just the two of us, where the teacher tried dancing with him and actually did blame him for pulling me off my leg. Then during this most recent rehearsal, we discover we were all taught the wrong choreography, so it's been even harder than necessary. So we're all trying to adapt to the changes, with not enough space, bad partners, and short tempers. I also happened to be wearing an especially unflattering leotard, since my other was completely soaked after class with the crazy strict teacher I'm sure I've mentioned in the past.

In waltzes none other than our nutcase director, only to see my frustration when my partner cannot even remember the changes in the choreography. Just to add some fuel to the fire, the director basically tells me it is impossible to partner me because I'm a big girl (I'm told that ALL the time. even when it's not necessarily meaning I'm fat. Apparently they just think I'm so big here) AND that I've gained a lot of wait.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

first of all, UNTRUE. I have been told to lose weight here several times, and most times I agreed, even if it was ridiculous the way I was told days later, as if that is enough time to change my body. But last time I was told to lose a certain amount of weight, I lost that and more, so at the moment I actually weigh less than requested. The director is so stupid, not being able to tell the difference between an unflattering leotard and weight gain!! And I really think the cruel words might have also been just for the sake of hurting my feelings or playing games with me. It's not that I believe that I am fat, it's that I know the director may see me that way, and what the director thinks is unfortunately very important for the sake of my career. It is so infuriating!

And I know I am not in denial, because I know my body AND people have come up to me and told me what the director said was completely out of line. I just hate being nagged and criticized all the time with no chance to ever stick up for myself or explain or even ask a freaking question! The whole rehearsal I was actually trying to ask for clarification about the choreography but everyone was just ignoring me! I just get SO SO mad about the whole situation.

But I am breathing and thinking logical thoughts and getting through. I know in my mind what is right and that it will all blow over and be fine, but I just hate how the director chooses someone and something to pick on and will not cease until there is a new person to bully. I will just have to wait it out until it is someone else's turn, and for the meantime try to block out all the b.s.

Janie