Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Dear Sanna - so self-conscious!
I think I am generally an under-confident person, but sometimes it gets really bad. Today we were rehearsing the ballet I stepped into this year to replace the principle who left. My solo is very slow and there is a lot of music for me to fill with not so many steps. Also, I was never really properly taught the part, so it's even harder because I don't really know exactly how each movement should be. I feel really embarrassed every time I do this solo, even if the rest of the ballet is getting better.
Today after I did the solo the artistic director pulled me over and told me I look like a shy, embarrassed girl and I have no confidence (only because it's true). The thing is, I hear corrections like this all the time, but if I could just change it I would, so this correction in itself is not all that helpful. If I knew how to dance with even a fake air of confidence, of course I would. Anyway today for the first time, the director did not just stop at this criticism, but instead had me show her what I do, and gave me specific things to change and work on. I think it helped a lot, but still in the end she had me go back and do it again, and this time I was sure everyone was watching, so I felt even more embarrassed. I am trying to use my imagination to get over it, but I just feel the eyes on me.
When will I feel comfortable in my own skin? At times I can't even cross the room without feeling the eyes watching me.