Dear Sanna - Awkward

We had an extremely random rehearsal today. It was for a ballet we did at the beginning of the year a few times, haven't done for months, and will do a LOT in a few months. It is the same one where I really don't do much, but was "second cast" for a part I really wanted. This is the one where I need to be really together with my opposite, etc. It seemed like we were a solid second cast who would probably never perform, but we weren't so sure.

Then this rehearsal happened the other day. First of all, the dancer who I replaced in a few ballets this year returned a few weeks ago. Nobody is quite sure what this means. Maybe she will take back all her old parts, and the other dancers and I will be kicked out of our spots. Only time will tell. In this case a few of us guessed that she and another higher ranking dancer in the company would step into this part, bumping first cast down, and kicking me and my friend out of second cast. So when the higher ranking soloist came to me and asked if I heard she was doing the part, I was disappointed. Until she explained that we were doing it together. But that means my very good friend who I used to dance with was taken out, and I knew this would crush her. So I couldn't even be happy. I just felt horrible.

They didn't even have the decency to tell us properly. Everyone had to find out through someone else, nobody exactly sure what was happening and why. My friend cried a lot, and I felt helpless. I was afraid to even try to comfort her, because maybe she just really didn't want to see me at this point.

Of course later when she was a little better, she told me of course it's not my fault and she's not mad at me, and I know it's not, but it's still such a hard position to be in, and also really new for me. I am much more used to being on the other side, usually faking happiness.

Anyway on the bright side the director still likes me enough to place me with this other dancer in the part I really wanted! (Did I mention we are first cast and the original first cast is now second?) I am not counting on it, but hopefully it will last and I can really work on this part and learn to enjoy this ballet for once!

Janie