Dear Sanna - it was okay

So I worried and worried about the performance following my last post. I talked with a friend about it, who helped a little, saying I really look good in the piece and reminding me how the director gets crazy and says things in a really rude way. I felt a little better, but still nervous since I would maybe have one mark-through before the performance to fix it.

The next day I tried to approach the show with a good attitude, since I knew being negative would not help matters. But it's hard to be positive when you are so stressed out! After class I sat stretching and studying (did I mention I am trying to learn the language?) with some friends while they worked on a ballet I am not involved in on stage. The director walked in and made an annoying comment about how "orthodox I am with my studying," but what I should be thinking about is the performance because it was "not bad yesterday, it was terrible." Great way to boost my confidence before a show. And as if I had not spent the entire evening and morning going over the piece in my head. As if I didn't care how I danced. As if the rest of the corps and the music and my partners were not important in my dancing with the group and it would be perfect if only I would stop studying and think only about the dance. Very annoying.

During the mark-through on stage, I did as much as I could full-out, without making my overworked partners do too too much. I felt bad, since most of them are principles with a lot to do, only dancing with me because my partner is away. But I tried very hard to do what I think the director wanted (not that I'm ever told exactly what is so terrible about my dancing).

But the show went okay, I thought. And the next day we actually got notes all together as a company after class (which is another rare occasion for us), and the ballet master who corrected me the day before the show specifically said I was much better. I felt silly, since not many people were singled out, and I think it might have something to do with the way I reacted to the correction. I was upset and frustrated and I said that I felt like nobody would work with me either, so that's why it wasn't together. I hate to talk back to teachers when I am corrected, but I just couldn't help it.

I suppose all's well that ends well. My partner will be back in a few weeks, so I guess we'll see if it will be hard to adjust to him or if it will be comfortable like he never left. Hopefully the latter!

Janie