Dear Sanna - Ughhh

Today I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It was the first day back after 3 and a half days off, which is more of a break than I think we've had since October, and I wasn't even expecting it! I never do well with time off, because for one thing I find it hard to maintain my weight. Especially when there is a holiday and I am invited to big family meals it is difficult, but even regular breaks are hard because when I am not dancing I get bored and think I'm hungry. Or I get together with friends and often times we get together to eat. Sometimes it seems like there's nothing else to do when you meet certain people! Anyway, I think I did a decent job this time of not going too crazy, although I can't say I didn't put on any weight at all. I think it's important to relax a little and allow myself to have some treats, so I am not completely regretful, but sometimes I need to stop a little sooner. I am more worried for the long chunk of time I will have off (hopefully) for summer vacation.

Anyway aside from the weight issue, I also really find that my dancing is affected by even a few days' rest. I get out of shape so quickly! Things don't feel quite right and I can't do everything. I must say, though, that I think I might be getting better with time off. I don't know if it is because I'm getting older or more experienced, or maybe even that I have less classes than I used to each week, so my body is used to more time between classes anyway. Whatever the case, I am relieved that breaks are getting easier, but I still feel it, and I fear tomorrow I will really feel it (being sore from today).

But I still want to work. I love dancing and I like to have a full day, so today when the company was rehearsing a piece I am not cast to even understudy, I was torn about what to do. I usually go to the rehearsal anyway, because I like the choreography and I like to learn it, and also the artistic director did tell me to learn it. This isn't such a big deal since the artistic director tells everybody to learn anything, but still the reasons together are usually enough to make me at least stick around for the rehearsals. But soon the choreographer is returning and I know there will be many very long rehearsals with him, and I don't know what to do. On the one hand I hate feeling left out, and I do like learning it, but on the other hand he did not choose me and there is not much room and I am a little embarrassed to show up to rehearsals in which I am not cast. I really don't know what to do.

But today this rehearsal was moved to our horrible third studio, because our scary ballet mistress was teaching a mini course for younger students, so she wanted the big studio. It wasn't hard for me to decide not to go to the rehearsal in the gross studio where there would be even less room, but I hated the thought of doing absolutely nothing for a whole 2 hours of work. So I took barre of this teacher's class, even though I had already done class today and I know her school class is a killer. And I was wearing pointe shoes. The shoes were dying too, so I didn't go on pointe for a few things that were supposed to be on releve, and the teacher yelled at me! So I suffered through en pointe or demi pointe, and then the artistic director came in and started telling me to lift my leg, when I was taking it easy with one side because I have a sore hamstring. It is so annoying! Give me a break - I am taking an extra class to work for myself and improve, and I don't need people nagging me all the time!

Janie