DanceMind: Dear Janie: Friends and Dance

You have a friend.

We all experience changes in friendships.  Whether it is in a work related situation, neighbors, girlfriends, boyfriends, that introductory period is when our best self is presented. Thru time it becomes difficult to hold up those appearances and we settle in to more of our personalities.  

Of course you will notice traits and behaviors you do not like, or care to be privy to. All of us want to have 'fun,' interact freely and not be bothered by seeing the real parts of others' personalities. It spoils all the fun, doesn't it.

It is true for all of us. You and I included.

Think about other relationships you have and notice how they have progressed thru time.

People you thought were one way when you first met them can show a very different side as you get to experience them managing stress, interacting with people of all ages, or being involved in their lives (and yours!). How they handle criticism or money. How they interact with family members. How they communicate ....  (list is very long)

If you recall a few posts ago we dialogued about this very same thing - negativity.  You have made changes and it is easy to not like what we hear when others are doing the same thing. We are all guilty of that. 

Here is something else to consider --  It may be a style of relating between her and her family. 

People do act differently around family members. OR she may be speaking her truth to them and really needing to have support and guidance to make important decisions.

When you are uncomfortable, leave the room. Put some headphones on.  So she can have some private time with her family - you can listen to some great music or a program of mine.

Janie,  Staying associated to her may put you in a difficult position whether she leaves or stays.

You staying at this company is dependent on your decision and passion to dance. You have made many friends thru your life. You can make more. It takes time. It is difficult with your dance schedule, yet a little effort could be helpful to you. You will not feel so tied to her.

I would suggest that you find a few friends outside of dance. I realize that may be a challenge.

Maybe you can consider doing some volunteer work, or take a class, or join a group that meets regularly. Can you work part-time or babysit kids?

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It is not unusual to move to a new place and create a friendship that changes. This may be a signal to begin branching out. You will attract people with whom you have  stronger commonalities.  

I understand that you may be worried if she leaves. However, you are  jumping the gun here, kiddo.  That is many months away and besides you cannot control that decision.

Maybe you can talk to her about her "trashing."  You may have a good honest chat about both your likes and dislikes of the company.  However, keep in mind that word travels -- 

and that goes back around to the idea that she may need to vent or talk more openly with her family.  

Regardless, you can slip into the other room. Go for a walk, Take a Shower. Use headphones with the TV... Blend something.  

You two live together, dance together, eat together, socialize together ... Find a way to give yourself some breathing room. It may do your relationship some good and you might just be surprised to see what is around the corner.

Let me know-

Sanna Carapellotti, MS CHT