Wednesday, September 19, 2007

tough answer from janie

I think many times I have to physically try something to discover how hard it is, since a major part of ballet is making it appear easy. Sometimes I don't know how hard something is until I tire myself out doing it, or fail to do it at all.

Although, it is easy to get discouraged and then jump to conclusions about situations being "hard" before I ever even try. It's funny though, because I am constantly aware of how much I psych myself out. Sometimes if I decide something is hard before I even try, it's like I'm proving myself wrong by doing well, but then when I over-think stuff and assume I'll do well because I'm trying to disprove my notion that it's hard, I mess up. I know that was incredibly spastic, but there's a taste of while all that goes on in my head in the short length of one combination or step!

So many factors go into what makes something hard one day and easy the next. Things as stupid as somebody stealing my spot or "negative vibes" that I may or may not be actually getting from the teacher can completely throw me off in a class. I am so self-conscious, I even find myself holding back or freaking out if I think somebody might be looking at me. The other day in class, I messed up every combination that began with a glance at the doorway and locking eyes with the artistic director. Every time someone important comes along I screw up!

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